Bully For Me
** blogger's note: you know you're onto something when you write a new blog on the exact same topic as two months ago. well too bad, i wrote this on BART so i'm posting it :). without further ado, i present to you, deja vu **
As Nabs and I have discussed many a time, I am a bad man. Of the variety of reasons why we arrive at this conclusion, the predominant one is that I am one confrontational monster. For more on this, you can check one of my previous blog entitled “ Oops I Did It Again" (2/6/05). In my defense, this may be overstating the case, but the essence of it is true. For anyone who has had the misfortune of getting embroiled in my investigational assaults, I am sorry to have plunged you into the hottest of hot seats. Typically, this occurs during the most unassuming of times.
Buddy: It sure is a nice day out.
Me: Really? It’s actually kind of overcast. I think it may even rain.
Buddy: Perhaps. Still, it’s pretty nice.
Me: You think so? Do you like overcast days? Typically, people favor sunny days, which seem far superior to the gray ones. Overcast days kind of just suck the life out of me.
Buddy: Errr. Well, today’s pretty decent. I mean, sure it’s slightly cold, but it kind of wakes you up.
Me: I’m not so sure about that. On days like these, I’d imagine people would rather just sleep in and hide under their blankets. I think people would call it a rather gross day. You don’t think it’s a gross day?
Buddy: Well, maybe. I dunno.
Me: Ooookaayyyy. Then, I’m not so sure I see how you can think of it as both a nice day and a gross day at the same time.
Buddy: I gotta go. Bye.
Me (calling after him): Wait! So I’m confused as to what you think!
When it comes to conversations, I’m a Spockian fact checker. Whenever I hear something I am confused about, I ask questions. In a thorough and detailed manner, I will try to ask as many questions as it takes for me to truly understand what a person is saying, in inescapable, black and white terms. My line of questioning typically involves a mix of questions I personally support (“don’t most people think sunny days are nice?”) as well as questions to which I completely disagree with (“wait, so you think people really enjoy getting wet in the rain?”). As I collect my data, I gradually triangulate towards the nugget of fact – the core essence – of what that person is saying.
People have called this approach unnecessary. It’s just normal conversation! Does it have to be a cross examination? Is it that important to pressure test someone’s assertions anyway? Do you really have to kick those damn tires?
I don’t. But I guess I figured any question that can be defended won’t be interpreted as offensive anyway, right?
Wrong.
We are all sensitive in different ways. What our friends say to us carry a weight that may not be evident at first blush. While I may want to poke and prod at others’ beliefs, I need to realize that the other side may not be viewing the exchange in as removed, scientific, and logical manner. In fact, the other side may interpret it as accusatory, insinuatory, or maybe even downright hostile.
Sometimes we think that with those closest to us, our family and friends, we can be as harsh to them as we want. We think things like - “They understand”, “They know how I am.”, “We like it when we speak our minds.”, and “I just want to keep it real.” Perhaps it’s time that we – that I – realize that those closest are also those we care about and want to make happy. Perhaps participating in spontaneous verbal jousting isn’t as wholesome and fun of an activity as I thought.
As Nabs and I have discussed many a time, I am a bad man. Of the variety of reasons why we arrive at this conclusion, the predominant one is that I am one confrontational monster. For more on this, you can check one of my previous blog entitled “ Oops I Did It Again" (2/6/05). In my defense, this may be overstating the case, but the essence of it is true. For anyone who has had the misfortune of getting embroiled in my investigational assaults, I am sorry to have plunged you into the hottest of hot seats. Typically, this occurs during the most unassuming of times.
Buddy: It sure is a nice day out.
Me: Really? It’s actually kind of overcast. I think it may even rain.
Buddy: Perhaps. Still, it’s pretty nice.
Me: You think so? Do you like overcast days? Typically, people favor sunny days, which seem far superior to the gray ones. Overcast days kind of just suck the life out of me.
Buddy: Errr. Well, today’s pretty decent. I mean, sure it’s slightly cold, but it kind of wakes you up.
Me: I’m not so sure about that. On days like these, I’d imagine people would rather just sleep in and hide under their blankets. I think people would call it a rather gross day. You don’t think it’s a gross day?
Buddy: Well, maybe. I dunno.
Me: Ooookaayyyy. Then, I’m not so sure I see how you can think of it as both a nice day and a gross day at the same time.
Buddy: I gotta go. Bye.
Me (calling after him): Wait! So I’m confused as to what you think!
When it comes to conversations, I’m a Spockian fact checker. Whenever I hear something I am confused about, I ask questions. In a thorough and detailed manner, I will try to ask as many questions as it takes for me to truly understand what a person is saying, in inescapable, black and white terms. My line of questioning typically involves a mix of questions I personally support (“don’t most people think sunny days are nice?”) as well as questions to which I completely disagree with (“wait, so you think people really enjoy getting wet in the rain?”). As I collect my data, I gradually triangulate towards the nugget of fact – the core essence – of what that person is saying.
People have called this approach unnecessary. It’s just normal conversation! Does it have to be a cross examination? Is it that important to pressure test someone’s assertions anyway? Do you really have to kick those damn tires?
I don’t. But I guess I figured any question that can be defended won’t be interpreted as offensive anyway, right?
Wrong.
We are all sensitive in different ways. What our friends say to us carry a weight that may not be evident at first blush. While I may want to poke and prod at others’ beliefs, I need to realize that the other side may not be viewing the exchange in as removed, scientific, and logical manner. In fact, the other side may interpret it as accusatory, insinuatory, or maybe even downright hostile.
Sometimes we think that with those closest to us, our family and friends, we can be as harsh to them as we want. We think things like - “They understand”, “They know how I am.”, “We like it when we speak our minds.”, and “I just want to keep it real.” Perhaps it’s time that we – that I – realize that those closest are also those we care about and want to make happy. Perhaps participating in spontaneous verbal jousting isn’t as wholesome and fun of an activity as I thought.
posted by dodger | 11:44 PM
2 Comments:
As a former debator, I appreciate a verbal jousting now and then. In fact, sometimes I think it can be useful to in a little devil's advocacy, just to test the strength/basis/validity of the other person's viewpoint.
That said, I've also noticed that there are plenty of people that aren't as keen on being on the receiving end of the "interrogations". You just gotta pick the right thick-skinned people to spar with. You and I both know it's not meant to be perceived as a personal attack, but some people don't see it that way.
"I need to realize that the other side may not be viewing the exchange in as removed, scientific, and logical manner."
I like how even here, you imply that when a person reacts unexpectedly/not positively to your questions, it is because they are not logical or scientific in their thinking. just because you think your opinion is actually fact (or correct, or better, etc.), doesn't mean it always is.
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